1. How do you plan to celebrate Arbor Day? How do I plan to celebrate?


I’m gonna stand here. I’m a tree.

1. How do you plan to celebrate Arbor Day? How do I plan to celebrate?

I’m gonna stand here. I’m a tree.
 

2. Well, I mean, do you plan to have a party, or friends over? Friends over?

You mean, are there any other trees who are going to walk over to my part of the forest for cupcakes? Probably not. You read a lot of “Lord of the Rings,” don’t you?
 

3. Well, I just thought that I’d …

Ah, I’m just kidding with you. Trees do that. We’re pretty funny. Here’s a good one: Where do trees do their banking? Uh … The local branch! Get it? Branch! Because we’re trees! OK, I’m still working on some of these.
 

4. Right. Well, aside from a gift for puns, what makes oak trees special?

You mean aside from the fact that we’re the only tree to be officially commemorated by Tony Orlando? Frankly, that’s enough for me — you don’t see a lot of shrubberies with the Tony Orlando stamp of approval, do you? But we also grow to be very old, 200 or more years, sometimes. There’s a tree called the Angel Oak in South Carolina that’s at least 1,400 years old. That means it was a shrub when Columbus got here. There aren’t a lot of things that old around, except John McCain.
 

5. So how should people celebrate Arbor Day?

I know a lot of people will say, “Plant a tree,” and that’s always a good idea, of course, but I’ll be honest: I’d like to be given a nice Scotch. No really, you don’t have to go doing anything crazy. Just try to think about things: How much do we need to knock down this forest to put up this strip mall or gas station or taco shack? Is there some better way we can handle development around here? Can I reuse some of this stuff in the house in some new, different way? And if you can’t do that, just bake some cupcakes.